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How Could I

from Sweet Pea by Lila Blue

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about

Another tune deeply inspired by another author’s writing, How Could I was written in my freshman college dorm room after reading the short story, “River of Names” by Dorothy Allison, an incredible piece surrounding childhood familial trauma and all the things we cannot say to those we love in our adult lives, and who love us, but might never “get” what happened to us. Right after I finished it, I was positive that I would never share it with anyone. It is a song rooted so deeply in the intergenerational trauma of my family and the ways in which that has moved through my life, that playing it out loud felt like telling someone a secret I’d promised to keep. The more I sat with it, and as I slowly began to share it with loved ones, I could see yet again what I love about music as a whole; others were able to take what they needed from it, and simultaneously see what they needed of me in it. I will forever be grateful to this song for its ability to name and hold so many things I still am not fully able to in my everyday life, and its placement in Sweet Pea as a record of reentering the world with all parts of me present is no accident.

lyrics

How could I, how could I, how could I
Have wasted all that, all that I have spent
When I have, when I have, when I have
Been living on a life that's been lent
Their names coat the bathtub their echoes fill the drawers
I don't think there is much left for me to love anymore
How could I, how could I, how could I
You tell me
How I tell you such beautiful stories
And I want to rip apart your grin
But instead I just curl up my knuckles and wait
I'll never have a child, no never have a child
I don't trust any chin that's been, that's been born innocent
But if I were to, if I were to hold their hand
I'm not so sure I'd find the difference in our skin
But I am hit and burn and carve and slap and scrape
How could they know, they wouldn't know how pain can make a cave
In you
You tell me
How gentle I can be
How do I say
My softness is just rage contained?
So I just smile and I thank you for the compliment
Can't you hear them singing?
They've left this world and left behind this ringing
I block my ears they bind my eyes
And tell me that they're never leaving
What can I do to make you all go away
They say you are in us as much they are in me
Bloodline, blood let, oh let me let this go and they say no
They say no
I sit you down, untie my tongue
And tell you how it feels
To be just an echo in a cave that will never heal
You hold in your two hands what you don't know how to say
It's alright I didn't expect an answer anyways
But then you
Take me to your silence
And for a moment things seem to slow
But I know
Your eyes will never meet the hollows in mine

credits

from Sweet Pea, released November 10, 2023
Written by Lila Blue Coley / Lila Blue Music (ASCAP)

Vocals - Lila Blue
Bass - Saskia Lane
Resonator Guitar - Phil Roebuck
Acoustic Guitar - Lila Blue
Viola - Ashley Frith
Piano & Ukulele - Gabriel Ebert
Background Vocalists - Damon Daunno, Gabriel Ebert
Producer - Jordan Brooke Hamlin
Recording & Mixing Engineer - Jordan Brooke Hamlin
Assistant Recording Engineer - Lake Wilkinson
Mastering Engineer - Jett Galindo

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Lila Blue New York, New York

LILA BLUE (they/she) is a 23 year old non-binary and queer folk musician, singer-songwriter, playwright and performer based out of Brooklyn. Their projects navigate themes of grief, joy, intergenerational trauma, rage, queerness and collisions with divine and haunted spirits, stemming from their own intuitive practices. They've released 3 LP’s, 2 EP’s, with LP 4, SWEET PEA, arriving 11/10/23 ... more

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