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Not Yet

by Lila Blue

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1.
I will recall The sand, sea, and salt I’ll never forget the sweat pooling in your sternum I will recall The fires and fault lines That shook our shoulders gently Kissed our lips until they burned them I think I will miss things And I think that’s important The missing brings breaking Well, my breaking’s been dormant So I’ll lean into the ache And I will wish for more I will recall it all And then I will close the door When the smoke came From the town over And everything we knew Was on the precipice of flames I drove away in the night and realized I need you and I’m not as unsentimental as I have always claimed I thought about the things I had to leave behind And everything seemed special And worthless all at once As the road wound round I let myself unwind Into all of the missing inside of who I’d become But will you walk with me Through that door You don’t have to latch it You can always go back to before But will you walk with me Away from the warmth of home Into that voluntary ache Of learning to leave the known I will recall All of it Though many say that’s a thankless act That cannot be done I will recall All that I can Until there’s not a single thread left to be unspun I know I will miss things And I know that’s important And I’ll walk through streets Passing people missing just as much And I’ll walk to a building Knock on its unknown door But know behind it Inside is your familiar touch
2.
I sing to empty rooms Praying you’re inside them I open each window and door Though you don’t come, it lets the light in And as the light dies The night always comes And I am alone I was scared to bury or bore you And now to most it wouldn’t matter much But now that you have gone I still wonder what made you flee my touch When I do sleep I do not dream anymore I wail into the walls of the house we built Only the spiders move I’ve become stone I’ve become still And still I don’t blame you No I’d never blame you And I never will I’ve learned to live alone And I’ve learned to lose you But no matter how hard I try I hope you’ll find me worth coming back to I turn the porch light on And sing my simple song And I just wait
3.
Not Yet 03:47
There’s a mountain with graves dug on one side And the river that runs by it is full of ghosts Last night I held vigil by their bodies and held their hands They started screaming ‘cause there wasn’t enough of me to hold We’ve been given seven paths by seven sons I can hear them fighting in the streets Saying that theirs is the right one to walk down And if you don’t their god will wail forever so you never sleep I’ve been dreaming about dancing in a crowded room drenching myself in another’s sweat I know this dream is something that we cannot do Not yet, not yet There’s a taxidermy dog above a fireplace Wondering if tonight her owner’s had enough to drink She watches him go to kneel before something he calls god She wonders if she’s the only one listening to him pray There’s a mountain with graves dug on one side On the other the people go about their days It is painful, tender, messy, and kind The ghosts tell me if they could go back they wouldn’t have it any other way The ghosts tell me if they could go back they wouldn’t have it any other way
4.
A Wide Space 03:39
I find when I’m sleeping I feel a faceless touch You know, I wish that you knew me I wish you didn’t know so much I crave for a blooming That lingers and stays I crave for my craving To just go away I wish for a bloodletting I wish for a violent kind of hope I wish for the seed in me that I’ve been smothering for so long The time to grow The time to grow The only thing that I have Left in this world is you I wish I could say there’s more I wish it wasn’t true But here I am still rocking A memory to sleep I can almost hear it crying Though it never wails for me I wish I was a wide, wide space That people longed to run to I wish that the things I know would let me go Maybe then I could go too I could go too You are all looking towards something I wonder what it is you see I am looking right at you Will you ever see me? At night I walk down your hallways And I straighten the frames Of the portraits on the walls Who do not know my name All I ask is for a room to stay But I wish for a dream where I am known To the hand that stretches out to caress These old broken-down bones Broken down

about

I made this EP at a point in the pandemic where I had become enveloped in hopelessness, deep frustration, and a lot of heartbreak. An elder in my life had recently contracted COVID-19, the vaccine rollout hadn’t yet begun, and my anxiety and depression were at an all-time high. All I wanted in that moment was music that could hold me and let me rest.

With this craving in mind, I began to record “Not Yet”. The majority of the project was recorded in my bathroom, and was a deep learning process for me in regards to trying to achieve a recording by myself that I could feel proud of. I had the help of two dear friends and collaborators; Damon Daunno, who lent a hand with some beautiful harmonies on “Not Yet” alongside Gabriel Ebert, who also brought a beautiful harmony and piano arrangement to “Simple Song”.

This project brought me so many lessons surrounding patience, the importance of community, and the beautiful gifts that can come with being alone. I only hope that anyone who listens to this EP can garner some of the solace I was able to gain from making it.

credits

released August 9, 2021

All songs written, performed, and recorded by Lila Blue
Vocal harmonies by Damon Daunno and Gabriel Ebert
Piano by Gabriel Ebert
Copyright 2021, all rights reserved Lila Blue Music

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Lila Blue New York, New York

LILA BLUE (they/she) is a 23 year old non-binary and queer folk musician, singer-songwriter, playwright and performer based out of Brooklyn. Their projects navigate themes of grief, joy, intergenerational trauma, rage, queerness and collisions with divine and haunted spirits, stemming from their own intuitive practices. They've released 3 LP’s, 2 EP’s, with LP 4, SWEET PEA, arriving 11/10/23 ... more

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